fat amnesia.

Im convinced I have fat amnesia. And I blame this for allowing myself to get to the weight I currently am. What the hell is fat amnesia I hear you say? Well, to me, it is looking in the mirror, being disgusted, but then walking away and forgetting how really terrible I look and feel while scarfing down the ice cream and feeling the need to "veg" out on the couch all day...because really, I deserve it, right? I have to fight this condition at the moment...I see my reflection in the windows while walking up to the gym, but then hop on the tready and forget that Im actually as fat as I am. I then consequently leave the gym feeling good about the workout I have just had, and rush home to feel that I have the liberty to eat whatever I want because of it. Fat amnesia. Rest assured that I AM fighting it...fighting to remind myself before opening the fridge or cupboard (mostly out of boredom or convenience) that I really need to beat this made-up disease...to keep telling myself that I AM bigger than I often think I am, that I AM unhealthier than I feel. And so, I will keep forging on...I will take steps forward, and steps backward...but this is a journey after all, isnt it? Its not a quick fix or a fad diet, its the beginning of way to be healthy for the rest of my life. And Im in it for the long haul...I cannot do and cannot be all that God has called me to be if I am not living my healthiest....

And for those who need motivation in this Operation Sexy journey with me, imagine this (as it helps me in the middle of a tough workout): putting on those size 4 (or 6 or 8) exercise pants...where the insides of your thighs dont touch and the flab on your belly doesnt roll over the top of. Imagine slipping your socks over your thin and dainty (what I wouldnt give for something on me to be dainty!) ankles before putting on your running shoes. And on comes the sports bra, where your boobs dont spill out the sides of, and the tank top with shows off your beautifully lean and unflabby arms. Now imagine cranking up the treadmill to 15 or 20kmh and running, running, running...without being puffed and exhausted. Run for an hour. An HOUR. Oh, what a dream of mine that is. I hope the imagery speaks to your willpower as well. :)

To switch topics completely, I am in the middle of costing everything from cameras and lenses, to software, to batteries and flashes, business cards and printers...all to draw up a long-term budget with Jonno over the next couple of days. He is right...if Im going to do this, I need to do it right, minus the bankruptcy. :) Its an exciting, albeit scary, step forward. I mean, I dont even know HALF of what Im going to want or need over the next couple of years, but something down on paper (or Excel) is better than nothing. I took a few chots yesterday of the boys just in front of the house, trying to put into practise that which I had read about his last week on metering and exposure. I am SUPER happy with how most of them came out. I had more to keep than to throw out, and thats definitely an improvement. Dont get me wrong, I still feel WAY out of my depth, but with more and more people (read: friends) asking me to shoot them, I realise that I need to keep on top of the studies and learning. Its exhausting. E-x-h-a-u-s-t-i-n-g. But, it will be all worth it in the long run. And so I leave you with a few of my favourites from yesterday...and Ill have you know there was very little done in the post-processing stage, just little tweaks and blemish removals....