The battle between ovary and brain.

Yes, a second post in the space of an hour! But for good reason...

My ovaries hurt. Like, they hurt similarly to when I was ovulating way back when, before I was pregnant and then breastfeeding. And I had this feeling of panic...panic because for a split-second I was afraid we would miss our window of opportunity to get pregnant again. !!!!! But, I have to forward this by saying that is only a natural response for the very fact that it took us a long 18 months and several rounds of fertility meds before we feel pregnant with Cade (naturally, go figure). So for that very long amount of time, every twinge I felt in the good ole' ovaries meant it was time to get busy and not to waste the impending egg release. Yes, nice and light subject matter for a Saturday evening. Back to my ovary pain. I got to thinking...what is it about women (not all, but definitely some, such as myself), that feel the need to want to get pregnant all the time? I was passing down the pregnancy test aisle at the store the other day, and wanted to buy one (or five), just to pee on them. And I stood there for about 30 seconds in disbelief. I mean, I REALLY dont want another baby right now...I really couldnt handle another child right now. And yes, I know there are 40 weeks of pregnancy to get ready for another one, but I know that I dont want another bundle (GIRL this time or so help me!) for at least another 2 years. And yet, I want to get pregnant. Why? Because its all a game really. After 18 months in this so-called game last time, I cant say that its necessarily a fun one...but its a game that brings expectation every round. The hope and excitement when peeing on a stupid (expensive) stick every month...there is nothing like that feeling...hoping it will come up with 2 lines. And then, there is nothing like the huge crushing disappointment, the guilt at being a failure that can accompany this game as well. Friends all around me are pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or about to start trying, and I feel like Im being left behind. Sometimes I hate being a woman. Why do I feel the pressure to fill my womb again?!? I have way too much to accomplish before that happens...for once, I want to be a skinny preggo...so I have to get off a LARGE amount of weight first. I want to get this photography thing up and running. I want Cade to be in preschool so that I have some time alone with #3. All these things are important enough to keep the ovaries at bay...but sometimes...just sometimes...my ovaries are the stronger voice. Thank God for a husband who says NO WAY, haha.

So, bring on the twinges, and everything else (too graphic to discuss in a public blog) that accompanies every opportunity to get pregnant....my brain WILL be the stronger voice. Ouch!