The battle between ovary and brain.

Yes, a second post in the space of an hour! But for good reason...

My ovaries hurt. Like, they hurt similarly to when I was ovulating way back when, before I was pregnant and then breastfeeding. And I had this feeling of panic...panic because for a split-second I was afraid we would miss our window of opportunity to get pregnant again. !!!!! But, I have to forward this by saying that is only a natural response for the very fact that it took us a long 18 months and several rounds of fertility meds before we feel pregnant with Cade (naturally, go figure). So for that very long amount of time, every twinge I felt in the good ole' ovaries meant it was time to get busy and not to waste the impending egg release. Yes, nice and light subject matter for a Saturday evening. Back to my ovary pain. I got to thinking...what is it about women (not all, but definitely some, such as myself), that feel the need to want to get pregnant all the time? I was passing down the pregnancy test aisle at the store the other day, and wanted to buy one (or five), just to pee on them. And I stood there for about 30 seconds in disbelief. I mean, I REALLY dont want another baby right now...I really couldnt handle another child right now. And yes, I know there are 40 weeks of pregnancy to get ready for another one, but I know that I dont want another bundle (GIRL this time or so help me!) for at least another 2 years. And yet, I want to get pregnant. Why? Because its all a game really. After 18 months in this so-called game last time, I cant say that its necessarily a fun one...but its a game that brings expectation every round. The hope and excitement when peeing on a stupid (expensive) stick every month...there is nothing like that feeling...hoping it will come up with 2 lines. And then, there is nothing like the huge crushing disappointment, the guilt at being a failure that can accompany this game as well. Friends all around me are pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or about to start trying, and I feel like Im being left behind. Sometimes I hate being a woman. Why do I feel the pressure to fill my womb again?!? I have way too much to accomplish before that happens...for once, I want to be a skinny preggo...so I have to get off a LARGE amount of weight first. I want to get this photography thing up and running. I want Cade to be in preschool so that I have some time alone with #3. All these things are important enough to keep the ovaries at bay...but sometimes...just sometimes...my ovaries are the stronger voice. Thank God for a husband who says NO WAY, haha.

So, bring on the twinges, and everything else (too graphic to discuss in a public blog) that accompanies every opportunity to get pregnant....my brain WILL be the stronger voice. Ouch!

fat amnesia.

Im convinced I have fat amnesia. And I blame this for allowing myself to get to the weight I currently am. What the hell is fat amnesia I hear you say? Well, to me, it is looking in the mirror, being disgusted, but then walking away and forgetting how really terrible I look and feel while scarfing down the ice cream and feeling the need to "veg" out on the couch all day...because really, I deserve it, right? I have to fight this condition at the moment...I see my reflection in the windows while walking up to the gym, but then hop on the tready and forget that Im actually as fat as I am. I then consequently leave the gym feeling good about the workout I have just had, and rush home to feel that I have the liberty to eat whatever I want because of it. Fat amnesia. Rest assured that I AM fighting it...fighting to remind myself before opening the fridge or cupboard (mostly out of boredom or convenience) that I really need to beat this made-up disease...to keep telling myself that I AM bigger than I often think I am, that I AM unhealthier than I feel. And so, I will keep forging on...I will take steps forward, and steps backward...but this is a journey after all, isnt it? Its not a quick fix or a fad diet, its the beginning of way to be healthy for the rest of my life. And Im in it for the long haul...I cannot do and cannot be all that God has called me to be if I am not living my healthiest....

And for those who need motivation in this Operation Sexy journey with me, imagine this (as it helps me in the middle of a tough workout): putting on those size 4 (or 6 or 8) exercise pants...where the insides of your thighs dont touch and the flab on your belly doesnt roll over the top of. Imagine slipping your socks over your thin and dainty (what I wouldnt give for something on me to be dainty!) ankles before putting on your running shoes. And on comes the sports bra, where your boobs dont spill out the sides of, and the tank top with shows off your beautifully lean and unflabby arms. Now imagine cranking up the treadmill to 15 or 20kmh and running, running, running...without being puffed and exhausted. Run for an hour. An HOUR. Oh, what a dream of mine that is. I hope the imagery speaks to your willpower as well. :)

To switch topics completely, I am in the middle of costing everything from cameras and lenses, to software, to batteries and flashes, business cards and printers...all to draw up a long-term budget with Jonno over the next couple of days. He is right...if Im going to do this, I need to do it right, minus the bankruptcy. :) Its an exciting, albeit scary, step forward. I mean, I dont even know HALF of what Im going to want or need over the next couple of years, but something down on paper (or Excel) is better than nothing. I took a few chots yesterday of the boys just in front of the house, trying to put into practise that which I had read about his last week on metering and exposure. I am SUPER happy with how most of them came out. I had more to keep than to throw out, and thats definitely an improvement. Dont get me wrong, I still feel WAY out of my depth, but with more and more people (read: friends) asking me to shoot them, I realise that I need to keep on top of the studies and learning. Its exhausting. E-x-h-a-u-s-t-i-n-g. But, it will be all worth it in the long run. And so I leave you with a few of my favourites from yesterday...and Ill have you know there was very little done in the post-processing stage, just little tweaks and blemish removals....

oh dear...

Yep, its been NINE days since my last post. I could come up with a million reasons, but truth be told, I havent felt like posting. And I could come up with a million reasons why I havent felt like it, but truth be told, my brain is F-R-I-E-D. Overloaded, tired, hurting - all other things my brain is in its current state. I have been reading, researching, learning, watching, fiddling, practising, setting up, installing, budgeting, costing, thinking, thinking, thinking. I am in the throes of learning how to take pictures, learning how to use Photoshop, learning how to use Lightroom, learning how we are going to be able to afford all the things I see as necessary to be successful in this endeavour. And Im tired of talking about it, tired of thinking about it...for tonight anyway.

So.

I will shift the focus on the my weight loss side of life...although there is not much to report. I didnt weigh this last week, as I didnt honestly feel like I had lost anything and didnt want to get discouraged, so decided to weigh this Thursday instead. I did get to the gym 4 times last week, and was determined to do the same this week, but no such luck...looks like Tues and Wed are the only days I will be able to get in. But, I am going to start weights and abs here this week....and water is still my downfall (well, one of them), so am trying to improve in that area as well. 

And with that, I will end with the following two photos: they are the best edits I have done so far...man, I have a long way to go....

And for good measure...

Oh! I forgot to mention that I lost 0.8kg last week. Not a huge loss, but Im happy with it considering my eating wasnt the best, and I still only got to the gym 2 times. So, going for a better week this week. :)

And for good measure...since we have been talking about birth photography...here is a photo of me right before my Cade Phoenix was born...in the operating theatre, where I desperately didnt want to be. I didnt take the photo (obviously), but I was fiddling around with editing earlier today and although I didnt like the outcome of Cades birth, I LOVED seeing his face for the first time....Dont I look lovely after 24 hours of natural (and HARD) labour?!? :)

overwhelmed.

I cant think of a better word for how I am currently feeling other than...overwhelmed. Oh, and in awe...as well as thankful. Yep, that about covers it...mostly.

Ever since I decided to jump into the deep end with birth photography, having had no previous experience, training or editing know-how, things have been moving at a rapid pace. Well, for me anyway. In the space of a week, I have enrolled in my photography course, found a babysitter in my wonderful friend and around-the-corner-neighbour Ilana (who incidentally is doing the same course with me, hooray!), have booked my first non-friend client (who will become a friend Im sure) for next May for a homebirth, and have started looking at lenses, batteries, memory cards, etc. I have started polling different business names on Bubhub and Facebook so that I can register my domain name now. I have a plan in place...well, kinda. I am going to shoot my friends birth next month, and then take Nov, Dec and Jan to just learn as much as I can on ALL aspects of technical, creative and business-starting nature, and then book clients after that. If they will have me. I need Cade to be weaned to do this, due to the last-minute nature of the business and I really want to make it to 12 months before weaning. So February next year is when all the hands-on stuff begins. And Im SUPER excited about it. Sadly, there are so few birth photographers out there worldwide, so there is little to learn online from anywhere. I would love to find one in Sydney who can mentor me as it were, but save a miracle, not sure how that will happen seeing as I cant find any others. So, I will practise all I can in a non-hospital setting. I figure that will at least help me learn to find the detail, the expression in things/people...that which is the most important in birth photography.

And through this all, I keep being reminded of John 10:10...everyone knows the verse. But it has been on my spirit all week. Abundantly. Life abundantly. Abundantly. Its such a strong word, a rich word. I dont feel as if I was living life abundantly the last year or so...We all go through seasons, and mine was a lonely and stressful one...one without vision, which can be a dangerous place to be, if not rooted in Christ. And yet, in the span of a week, I feel as if I have vision again, a purpose, a chance to bring light into people's lives. I love Matthew Henry's Commentary on this verse:
Christ came to give life and perisson ti—something more, something better, life with advantage; that in Christ we might not only live, but live comfortably, live plentifully, live and rejoice. Life in abundance is eternal life, life without death or fear of death, life and much more.
Live plentifully...in all areas. So that I can be utilised. Live with advantage. So that I can freely give out of plenty and not lack. SO good. And to see how God has turned something so traumatising for me into something so wonderful. Ive met the most amazing people these last few months...made some God-connections. He has orchestrated so much behind the scenes, all because He is in the business of turning ashes into something beautiful....oh man, Im overwhelmed...and in awe...and thankful.

Rallying for Homebirth

Imagine a freezing and rainy morning, dreary in nature. Now imagine the front of Parliament House with its pristine lawns, its clean borders, its bright lines. Enter about 3500 dads, mums, kids, grandparents and midwives, decked out in bright colours. Banners, posters and signs, littered with slogans and pictures. This is the Save Birth Choices (Homebirth) Rally in Canberra. Politicians and medical professionals delivered passionate speeches...songs about homebirth (a tad hippy-ish for me!) serenaded the crowd. There was chanting, there were meet-ups between friends. It was cold and wet...but it was passionate, powerful and inspiring. And Im absolutely THRILLED we went. It the first time I have ever rallied or protested something, but this was just too important to let slip by. I was never an advocate of homebirth until I started doing my own research when I got pregnant with Cade. I decided that with all the studies pointing toward its safety and with my desire to have an empowering birth experience, I wanted one. Unfortunately, we couldnt afford it (its about $5000, and not covered by Medicare from the government), and so I tried for a vbac in hospital, which again ended in a c-section after 24 hours (maybe one day I will post my birth story on here). And it was then decided that if I was going to be able to experience a vaginal birth, I was going to need to homebirth, and I was completely fine with that. I know the facts and figures, I know the risks (which are extremely small, even after 2 c-sections), and I know the pain of a natural labour. Im MORE than ok with homebirthing...and if that right gets taken away, Im not sure what options I am left with. This is important to me.

To give you an idea of what is going on and why the rally was so important, HERE is an article that will give you the main idea...

The only photo I got of the day, due to the weather and not having any free hands between juggling Cade, Carter, umbrella and sign :) This is Cade and I with Joelle and Jyrah, and Ainsley.

We are ever thankful that the horrific storm we hit on the drive home didnt hit Canberra while we were there...hail, lightning and torrential rain...not a good mix for an outdoor event. Needless to say, I did NOT enjoy the drive home...was quite the harrowing experience.

And now, we see what happens...

In other news, I hit the gym this morning, despite being absolutely exhausted, and am ever so glad that I did, being that my food options were very limited yesterday. Heading there again tomorrow morning in anticipation of my weigh-in on Thursday. Its always nice starting the day with 500 calories in the bank :)

Sunday's 7.

7.00pm - start to write blog.

7.01pm - get called away to feed hungry mouths, catch up on Bubhub forum (of which I have been neglecting of late), have arguement with husband.

9.45pm - return to blog, start writing.

9.48pm - get up to waken baby, spend 20 minutes getting him back to sleep (his sleeping issues could fill a blog of its own!)

10.10pm - attempt #3. Here we go....

I have survived the last few days...barely. My legs ache, I am exhausted, and there is still more to do tonight. But, I like being absolutely spent...sleep seems deeper (as deep as possible with a co-sleeping 7-month old, who likes to eat all night) and the feeling of accomplishment is satisfying to say the least. Im stealing this idea from a couple of other blogs I have seen and as Im almost too tired to go into the details of this last week, here are the highlights (Sunday's 7):

1. Lost another 1.8kg as of last Thursday (enter dancing emoticon here). Got to the gym on Thurs, and will go again on Tues, but my attempt to squeeze in a workout over the weekend was unsuccessful unfortunately.

2. I have decided to go into birth photography (see previous blog), and already have a couple of people asking for my very amateur services (which will be for free of course until my portfolio is built). I hope it works out. My biggest concern is childcare, but if its meant to be, I know that it will work out in the end. My doula, Anna, said that over the last 7 years of her being a doula, childcare has always worked out with the last-minute nature of childbirth, so that is encouraging.

3. After about 3 months of not being rostered to sing (for reasons unknown), I was finally rostered to sing this morning...my first time out at the southwest campus. It was wonderful. I forget sometimes that I am actually called to sing...called to lead others in worship of our King, and when I get to step back into that, it feels like home. My voice issues are another matter, and I was reminded of the fact that I am going to have to investigate it further in the near future.

4. Rental inspection, the bane of my existance over this last week with trying to get the house cleaned for it, went off without a hitch, and we were able to talk to the agent about seeing if strata will allow us to cut down the piece of crap tree in the backyard, which has so far sabotaged our 2 attempts to grow a lawn back there. Oh, how I long for a decent backyard...

5. Washing machine broken, and we still dont know what we are going to do about it. I think we are leaning toward buying a Whirlpool (washing machine and dryer, since the dryer is on its way out as well), with a 5-year warranty...Im getting desperate. And the worst part is Cade has to endure disposables because of it...

6. Save Birth Choices Rally tomorrow in Canberra!!! We will be there, rain or shine, with our little signs :)

I will go into more detail about it tomorrow night after the rally (or Tues), but Im hoping and praying we will have the numbers and the support needed to make changes to the proposed legislation. And of course, thats my gorgeous Cade in there with me...

7. I must include a couple of photos from our park shoot with Joelle and Leah...I know I keep adding Leahs pics, but until Im good enough to include my own, I will keep posting them as a) shes amazing and b) I want her to get good exposure (not like many people read this blog of course). So, here are a few of Carter and Cade:

    

  

  

                            

Ok, enough. Time to take my own photos...thanks Leah for indulging me in photographing my beautiful boys. Truly grateful. :)

My life's calling...

God help me, I think I've found something I would absolutely L.O.V.E. doing. A good friend asked if I would take some pics of her upcoming birth, and I decided to do some research about photographing births. I stumbled upon Lynsey Stones birth photography blog. OMG. Words cannot express the overflow of emotions I experienced trawling through the pages, looking at picture after picture. Im sure this has a lot to do with my previous birth experiences that ended in 2 c-sections, and my insane desire to have a successful homebirth for my next (and last). Lysney explains how she came to photographing births and I feel like I could have written it myself. I have such a passion for the joys of natural birth...but am in awe of the moment a child enters the world, irregardless of how. The moment a mother and father see their baby for the first time, hold him for the first time, kiss him for the first time. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. There is absolutely, postively NOTHING else that compares to those moments. And to be trusted enough to capture those moments...wow. I doubt there would be a greater honour. I am now officially obsessed. I fear my free hours will be spent pouring over blogs and websites, how-to guides and inspiring photos. My love of experiencing birth and my new-found love of photography...how could they compliment each other any better? Wow. I feel like Ive had an epiphany. Guess I better go enrol in that photography course...

Good news and bad news...

Yep, there it is. As promised. Not a great pic as I had to put my shutter speed to 1/1.3 to get enough light, but then I didnt feel like setting up my tripod. Oh, to have external flashes....But I digress. Isnt it beautiful? I cant wait to put it up on the wall, once we figure out which ones we will use and where we will put them. In the meantime, this beauty is sitting on the hutch in plain view. :)

So, dog is at boot camp. And while its quiet and peaceful in our household without her, it definitely feels like someone is missing. It will be a nice break, but she will be missed.

Worst news of today: we had to find the nearest open laundromat...total dive of a place (as most laundromats are Im sure), and Jonno took the stinky load of nappies to get washed. In the meantime, Cade is in sposies. Ugh. We arent sure whether to pay the several hundred dollars to get it fixed, or to bite the bullet and get a new washer/dryer set as our dryer is on the way out as well. I hate making decisions about expensive purchases.

And the best news of today: I lost another kilo, just 4 days after my last weigh-in, so Im looking forward to Thurs to see what the official loss for the week is. I think the key this time around is the fact that Im not focused on the weight loss. Ive changed what Im eating, Im exercising. But, Im not dwelling on what I cant have/do. Im too busy for that...

Might actually get Jonno to take some photos of me today...fun times.

**I apologise for the formatting. I cant for the life of me get the paragraphs set up correctly, grrr**

Just another Saturday...

A mundane Saturday. Mundane, but not quiet. Ive decided to get my cholesterol levels checked, so had some blood work done first thing this morning, followed by a gym session. I'm happy to report that my 120gb video ipod works well on the treadmill! :) And I'm sore. I mean, REALLY sore. Sore from walking around with Cade for hours yesterday, for kneeling down to get photo shots, etc. So, although I think my 45 minute walk on the treadmill helped in a small way, I'm sure I will be feeling it for several days. Push through it Britt, push through it.

Jonno was rostered to play at church tonight, so I decided to haul the rest of us in. So, got home at 8pm, fed/changed Cade, made myself a beautiful salad for dinner (eaten at 9.30pm), and am now enjoying a short break from Cade.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this, our washing machine broke. Which is bad. I have a pail of cloth nappies that need to be cleaned, and I'm not entirely sure how that will happen now...and yet, I'm too tired to find a solution. Tomorrow, tomorrow. As a side note, here is Cade in one of his cloth nappies (The Very Hungry Caterpillar):




Of course it was taken by Leah and I would love to upload all the 50-odd pics from our session, but I think that's a bit overkill. Needless to say, I LOVE the cloth bum!

Boring, right? Good news is that we drop off Gibby to boot camp tomorrow! Of course it means I need to wash her, heart worm her and flea treat her (she is due for all three) before we go (ie, tonight at 10pm), but will be so worth it. 2 weeks....ah.

So, I know I promised a photo of the framed pic of Cade from our session with Leah, but of course didn't get around to it, so tomorrow. ;)

Panic, park and prints

I am EXHAUSTED. Exhausted to the point where I'm not sure this post will make any sense. My head hurts, my feet hurt, my back hurts...the list goes on. It was a busy day. A busy, but glorious day.

Panic: I'm ridiculously fearful of people seeing my house dirty. I know deep down that no one really cares what it looks like. They know I have two boys (and dog) on my own everyday. And yet, I cant relax or enjoy myself if I can see mess everywhere I look. So, this morning, from the time I got out of bed until the time my guests arrived, I was cleaning. Cleaning the bathroom (yes, scrubbing toilets), putting away laundry (which was a little sad as the pile had started to become a permanent fixture on the dining room table), vacuuming, tidying, doing dishes. And yet, the house STILL looked like a bombsite. Ah well, it was a smaller bombsite than it was this morning.

Park: Ah, the park. My two lovely friends (one being a professional photographer) with their kids (minus 1) came over to mine, where all the littlies played for a while. Then we made our way to the park, just as the sun was starting to set. I have NO doubt that Leah (the photog) got some amazingly beautiful shots. Me...not so much. But there were a handful that turned out ok. The pics above are from our "session". I learned a LOT though, and that was the important thing. I feel so out of my depth with photography, but I'm determined to get as good as I possibly can. By the way...on-spot metering? Awesome. :)

Prints: I got my digital negatives today from our photo session with Leah a few weeks ago!! And she was lovely enough to surprise me with a beautiful belated birthday pressie...a framed pic of my favourite photo. I will make sure to take a photo of it and post it tomorrow. Just having them in my hot little hands makes me SO happy!

And so, sore (from carrying Cade in the sling for several hours), tired (read: KNACKERED), and satisfied...I head to bed. Yep, at 9pm. Must be a new world record. Now if I can wish Cade and Carter to sleep through...dreams can come true, right?!?

Conspiracy theory.

I am convinced someone is conspiring against me. How is it that everytime I plan to get to the gym, someone gets sick?? I book Cade in every Tues and Thurs mornings into the childrens program at the gym, and Ive had to cancel it everytime so far. He gets sick, Carter gets sick, Cade gets pink eye. Really? Ugh. One trip to the gym in a week is far from sufficient.

However.

I lost 1.7kg (3.7lbs). Imagine what it would have been had I gotten to work out more. The "what if" game is pointless I suppose though. Week 1 of Operation Sexy is complete, and was successful as I lost weight. Week 2 begins today, had my junk meal for the week, and am aiming for 3-4 sessions at the gym, and doing better on my water intake.

Im still waiting for my digestive enzymes to arrive...they are taking forever.

On another note, Ive discovered the manual setting on my E500. Brilliant. Now if I can figure out how to use it efficiently. Cant wait for our park shoot tomorrow...Im hoping to get as much knowledge as possible...and hope to post some nice photos as well. :)

Goals...

So, Ive been thinking that it would be great to have some goals and rewards to help me along this journey toward sexiness :)

Goal #1: 115kg
Goal #2: 105kg
Goal #3: 95kg
Goal #4: 85kg
Goal #5: 75kg
Goal #6: 65kg
FINAL Goal: 60kg - Laser Hair Removal!!

Ill edit it once I figure out what my rewards will be...its hard thinking about things that I want, rather than things I want for my kids, etc. At least I know what my final reward will be...and it will be an expensive one as I want laser hair removal on most of my body. :) PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) has not been kind to me in the excess hair department, boo! But, once I am in a normal and healthy weight, my hormones should normalise, and the pcos should be eradicated. And so, that will be my final goal (along with a trip to a tropical location Im sure!). Bugger, still gotta take pics of myself...ok, promise I will do that very soon...

Door salesman and Kawasaki disease - the conclusion.

I should be having a shower. Being that both boys are actually sleeping at the same time (insert jaw drop here), I should be taking advantage of this rare opportunity by indulging in the joys of such a special treat. It really is amazing how the simplest of life's necessities can evolve into mere pleasures after having children. And yet, I feel the need to get online to update this thing...another indulgence. And so I remain stinky for a while longer...

So, after the dramas of last night, Jonno believed that the new energy company I had just signed up was actually quite a bit more expensive. So, phone calls we made this morning to try and halt the contract...and needless to say, their customer service was fantastic. Not only that, but I realised that the rates were in fact the same as our previous provider, and so we are now using green energy, paying no more to do so, and they gave us $25 credit for our troubles to boot. Hmm...maybe I shouldnt have been so judgemental about the whole thing...At least it has a happy ending.

The other good news is that Carter does not have Kawasaki disease, as his fever is abating, his eyes are whitening, and he is back to his normal self. He is still complaining of sore hands, and has added a sore tongue to the list of woes, so I am on the lookout for blisters to coincide with a Hand, Foot and Mouth diagnosis (self-diagnosis, mind you). I did still keep him home from preschool though as I dont know what he does have, and didnt want to send him there to start an epidemic. Which of course means, no gym for me today. :( Ah well, will stay active as much as possible over the next couple of days until I can get there on Thursday.

I am now in the process of getting videos onto my new ipod...a process that will take until Thursday when I need them, no doubt. Cade has just woken, and my hopes for a shower are lost again. Should have taken one.

Door salesman and Kawasaki disease.

I really cant stand door-to-door salesmen. I mean, I know that opportunities can arrive in any form (see HERE for an inspirational post on a soap salesman), but when they arrive (without fail) in witching hour (why do they call it witching hour anyway, as if its only confined to a single 60 minutes?? It should be more like witching 4 hours!), pushing their way through my front door whilst ignoring the barking dog, the screaming baby, the whining preschooler. I mean, really? What makes them think that I am going to be able to switch all of that off to focus on them for 20 minutes? And 9 times out of 10, it is someone trying to get me to switch energy providers. Tonight was no exception, and through deceit of his words, and omission of a few facts, I have now officially switched...whilst holding the dog and trying to calm the baby by talking to him from a distance. Well done, Mr.-I-Didn't-Give-A-Name. You were successful. And now I will have to unravel the mound of paperwork to try and figure out what the hell I actually signed up for. Whats worse is that I will have to go through it all again in a couple of weeks' time...

And Carter is sick. He woke up with a fever...no dramas. Just another bug, right? Well, whinging to my mum (who is a nurse) and explaining his symptoms, she seems to think we need to keep an eye out for Kawasaki Disease. See, he said that the only thing that hurt were his hands. Okkkaaayyy...hands. Right. Mum asks if his eyes are red. "No", I say. Well, they are tonight. He didn't eat dinner, his hands are still hurting (and are red), so now we are just waiting on one more of the myriad of symptoms to take him in. As if we really need that. I mean, logistically (I shouldn't be thinking logistically if my sons life is on the line, right?), how can I stay in hospital with him for treatment? Cade is joined at the boob, and Jonno cant take more time off work. Not to mention the horrible side effects of the treatments and drugs and the very real possibility of life-long complications. Ugh. I cant think about it tonight. Tomorrow morning, when I should be dropping him off at preschool and heading to the gym to top myself up with endorphins (much-needed I might add)...tomorrow morning, I can think about it.

And so, I'm heading to bed in anticipation of yet another very sleep-deprived night. Sometimes it sucks to be a mum...

Im spoiled...

Yes, I am spoiled. No sooner had I mentioned the new treadmill/ipod situation to Jonno, when he chimed in and asked if I wanted a video ipod. Haha, I think he wants this more than I do. And I dont blame him. I would be embarassed of me too if I were him. And of course he would never say that, but Im sure he thinks it sometimes. When I first met him, I was overweight, but probably about 80 pounds less than what I weigh now. And while I know that he loves me no matter what size I am and has always been supportive, he wants me to be happy...and Im not. Of course it means that I will have to wait a few months for my mini home studio, but Im ok with that, because getting healthy is the priority, and it also means I have those few months to research what I need.

So, the park yesterday was lovely. Im so thrilled we found a great one nearby. Chipping Norton Lakes is like a mini version of Centennial Park with water, so its nice and lush and green, with walking/bike tracks and jungle gyms for the kids. A couple of photographer friends and I are having a get-together this week, and we have been searching for a nice place to go where the kids will have things to do and we will have things to shoot (photos that is, haha). So, this might be a nice place to do so. The photos below were my favourites from there. Theyre nothing special...I didnt really bother trying different lighting positions or anything like that, but just trying to see things out of the box. I cant wait to get Photoshop to edit properly on.

First day back

First day back at the gym. Oh, the joys. Ive had a fever since last night, and still decided to pop some Panadol and suck it up and go. And Im glad I did. It feels SO great to get a decent workout in again. 400 calories. Not bad for my first time back in 8 months. Granted, it took me 45 minutes on the treadmill to burn that, but Ill get back to the 600-700 calorie burn again soon. All the equipment has changed since I was last there...all the newest models of treadmills, elipticals, etc. Countless number of programs, USB outlets to record your progress, iPod plug-ins to watch movies on the main screen. So brilliant. Now to get a video ipod...

Stinkin' beautiful day today...spring comes early. So, we are heading out to the park. Going to try and get a few good photos...course my battery is almost dead, so we'll see if that happens...stay tuned.

blah, blah, blah

Im conflicted. There are so many aspects of my life that I would love to brag/vent/share about it here, but am overwhelmed thinking about all that entails. I suppose I will learn as I go. I must say that I am encouraged though. I follow a couple of photographers' blogs, photographer mums who I admire and am inspired by. I was browsing through Jodies blog (HERE), and realised that the photos she was taking 2 years ago are looking similar to the photos I am taking now...which means that if I learn all I can and practice as much as possible (read: taking a LOT of pics of the boys), I might, just MIGHT start to come into my own. Im not saying that I will ever be as talented and brilliant as she is, but Im encouraged nonetheless.

So today. Only one word can really sum it all up: overwhelming. Between the boys, the dog, the mess of a house, I was a tad distraught. Tears were shed, my voice is lost from yelling, and I am wallowing. But, I did take some time out to get on the floor with the boys and play a bit...to remind myself of why I chose to be a mum in the first place.

The below pic is nothing special (was taken in a dark house with no creative inspiration whatsoever), but just a little something to remind me of whats important. Truly important.

At one point, the dog was afraid that Cade as going to steal her ball, and she covered it up with her paw to "guard" it. Of course Cade got to it in the end, and quickly shoved it in his mouth. Ah well, what doesnt kill ya makes ya stronger I suppose.

Operation Sexy: day 2. Havent taken meaurements or pics of myself just yet (it is on my to-do list...somewhere), but although I didnt get to go to the gym (again), I did do well with my eating. I truly do like eating healthy for the most part, its just the bloody inconvenience of cooking it...it takes so long, and in my household, where 2 minutes without Cade screaming doesnt exist, that makes it a tad difficult. But, Im commited to it, so I will do all I can to find ways. I did order some US Jello Pudding (the sugar-free, fat-free stuff), and made some tonight...oh yum!!

I am currently on the hunt for photoshop CS4 that is decently priced. Im ok with sticking with my Olympus E500 while I learn the art of photography, but I would rather not learn my Paint Shop Pro, only to change it all when I eventually switch over to Photoshop. So, the hunt continues...

Im hoping that this season I am going through with Cade will change soon as it is so hard to get more than 5 minutes to myself, he is just that clingy. So much I want to do/learn....

The magic number.

125.

125.

125.

Ugh. 125kg. Or in more scary terms, 275pounds. Bloody hell. Still not quite my highest weight, but certainly near enough. I can make all the excuses in the world...mostly something along the lines of having to remain inactive months after my c/s to heal, having to sit to breastfeed, having a clingy baby who needs to be held all day. But, if Im honest with myself, I would say that it was comforting using those excuses to justify my lack of motivation with getting healthy. And of course, being a mum, quick and convenience is the name of the game. Takeaway is always easier than cooking a meal with a baby screaming to be held, a 3 year old climbing the walls, and a hubby who doesnt get home until after 7 to help with it all.

Enough excuses.

I have a starting point, a baseline. I am getting bloodwork done on Saturda to check my cholesterol levels, etc and will be doing measurements and pictures in the next couple of days. Perhaps the combination will scare me enough to keep with this.

Day 1 of Operation Sexy completed. Didnt get to go to the gym thanks to a sick bub, but got to the store to stock up on healthy sustenance, and did well with my eating.

125kg WILL become 125lb.

125.

Operation Sexy....take 2.

3 months since my last post. hhhmmm.....And what has happened in those three months? Absolutely nothing worth noting, save a week-long bout of food poisoning, which helped me drop a couple of kilos. Im sure I have put them back on since. Life just seems to get in the way....And yet, the reason for starting this blog is to make sure that life does NOT get in the way, that I can make the time and effort to get my life back on track. Ok, so Operation Sexy starts again. Tomorrow. My bub is now 6 months old, immunised and booked into Minis (the gym's kids program). My gym membership has been renewed and the first payment is made tomorrow. However, Cade has woken up pretty sick this morning. Of course. Bright green snot, gunky eye, cough...lovely. So, I am doing all I can to nurse him back to health by tomorrow morning. Im motivated, Im eager (albeit a bit nervous), so I need tomorrow to happen. Putting it off for one more day will just feel like a bit of a failure, even if it isnt something that I can control.

Ive also decided I dont want this blog to just be about weight loss, but about life in general. My pursuit of creativity in my world, my beautiful family, even my ridiculously annoying dog. My life (how many times can I say "life" in this post?!?) seems to be taking a turn...toward what, I do not yet know. But, I know that I am called to be creative, in whatever capacity, so I am seriously thinking about pursuing photography. I enjoy it, even if it is for my own personal use, and would love to expand my knowledge and capabilities. I also want to set up my own mini-home studio, so am currently in the midst of researching, researching, researching. Its exciting to think about what I could learn to do...something I can throw my passion into. And so, I await the multiple course information packs arriving at my house anyday to browse through and dream.

God help me. I keep biting off more than I can chew, as evidenced by the current state of my house. With a clingy baby, a demanding preschooler, and a naughty dog, I find myself being pulled in every direction...so to start a blog, start school, start a new hobby seems so terribly overwhelming. But, I think in the end, it may end up being my sanity, my escape. Now to muster up the willpower to keep going....with losing weight, with keeping a clean house (well, tidy anyway), with raising my kids, with being a great wife, with being creative, with keeping some dreams alive. Wish me luck. :)

*The word 'life' was mentioned five times*

Mother Blogger

Dear Mr. Blog,

Oh dear...I have joined the masses in broadcasting my life (or parts thereof at least) to the world...and yes, I admit Im excited about it. I couldnt really say why...maybe because it will end my years of procrastinating with starting a journal...and maybe because it might actually keep me motivated to change parts of my life I am not happy with. Irregardless, here I am, and here I begin.

I could bore you with all the mundane details about my life and my reasons for documenting it, but simply put, I want to record my journey with weight loss. Of course weight loss is not the centre of my life, and therefore other aspects of it will feature in this journal, but suffice it to say I think losing weight will be enough to fill quite enough space...

Simply put, I am a mother to two gorgeous young boys: Carter (3 years) and Cade (3 months). I have been married to a wonderful man, Jonno, for 6 1/2 years now, and I would say our marriage foundation is stronger today than ever. I have always struggled with my weight...was on my first diet at the ripe old age of 8. I was very active as a child with dancing, and a little less so in my teenage years although I dabbled in cheerleading and basketball (which I SUCKED at). It seems that after I stopped dancing at age 14, my fitness level started to slowly dwindle to where it is today: walking up and down our stairs several times a day...and only because I have to. I have had "spurts" of attempts to get fit and lose the weight...always 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I havent weighed myself since I gave birth to Cade, as I know for certain that I have gained weight. See, I lose weight during pregnancy...something about higher metabolism, etc...but as soon as I get the kid out, the scale starts to climb again. Suffice it to say, I am pretty sure I have about 55kg (120lb) to lose. That seems a mammoth task...overwhelming in fact. But, I will have smaller goals, each rewarded with something desired. And with each new goal, I will continue to reassess my final goal weight. I cant think about 55kg...but I can focus on 10kg at a time.

Now, my reasons for losing weight...virtually the same as everyone elses: I want to live to see my kids grow up, I want to be able to run around with my very active boys, I want to fit into a size 6 jean, etc. But equally as important, I want to be someone my hubby isnt ashamed to be seen in public with...I want to enjoy sex without feeling self conscious...I want to avoid suffering infertility for 18 months again...I want to get rid of my pcos and insulin resistance, so I can finally get laser hair removal(!)...I want a tropical holiday in a bikini...I want to be a sexy pregnant woman and get the birth I have longed for...I want to not have to worry about getting charged extra for an airline seat...I want to pay less for normal size clothing...the lists goes on and on and on.

Ideally, I would love to start my new lifestyle with a proper detox and in the gym...however, being that I am still breastfeeding, I am not able to proceed with a detox...and being that Cade isnt full immunised against whooping cough for another couple of months (which we are seeing a huge outbreak of at the moment), I am not able to get to the gym yet either. So, I will be modifying my diet, sticking to 1800-2000 cals a day and cutting out carbs after 3pm. I will be trying to stick to low-GI carbs during the day, and having only one small fun-size treat a day to ward off the sugar cravings. Exercise will be done at home in way of videos (Taebo-in' it) and walking with the boys when not raining/too cold. If I see success with this, I will wait a bit before joining the gym again to save some money...but I will be back at the gym in the near future, as I see it as "me time" with the kids in care, and really do love the atmosphere and inspiration it provides.

So Monday it all begins...again, and hopefully for good. My current weight and measurements will appear in Mondays post...Im really dreading it. I will also include starting pics...ugh.

So, Mr. Blog, we have been introduced...may this relationship stand the test of time.